of r'ships

I used to have a friend, D. I don't know how friendships can be turned into past tense, it's a little beyond me. But this one did anyway. I think.

Believe me, I never wanted things to turn out this way.

But when suddenly you're made to see really how shittily you've been treated as a friend all the while, I just didn't think I could put up with it anymore.

I felt like I was a friend merely for punching-bag purposes. So maybe there never was a friendship anyway. Never in my life have I been treated like that. Pushed around physically and metaphorically, insulted and criticized for every other thing, blamed for things that weren't of my concern. Always "it's your fault", never a sorry for something done wrong. Not even when I was made to wait for 4 hours. Because then it became my fault again. For -- ?? The audacity to even utter those few words. It was as if I'd deserved waiting. To even bring yourself to blame someone else for nothing. I find it hard to believe.

Also because I'm his spare tyre, it seems like I'm constantly being given the "graveyard shift" slot for hanging out. Beats me why I always feel obliged to hang anyway. I must be the silliest person, ever.

Which was why I suddenly questioned myself why I was putting up with all that. Which was also why I don't anymore. One day I was asked to the mall to "talk it out", which I didn't see the need to, coz I've already said all I ever wanted to, and there wasn't a need to get verbally abused again.

But I went. Because I didn't manage to get my point across clearly- that no, no, no, this is clearly redundant. Alas, he was already at the mall. Garh. And I was right. For someone so obnoxious, so self-centered, for someone who thinks the world revolves around him, things were still the same as before the "talk". I went home knowing that I'd given my best in this friendship, I don't regret doing anything I had, nor not doing anything I hadn't. I don't regret ever crossing paths with him.

And I don't have to forgive him. Simply because I never bore any grudges. I never held anything against him.

It was nice doing the little things I could. Like going all the way to the East to surprise a mate with a bday cake and pressies, because I knew having an exam the next day would leave one with no time for bday celebrations. Or the occasional lollies and stuff.

Maybe I just can't see us hanging for now. Does that constitute as me not being able to "forgive and forget"? Am I contradicting myself?

Whilst typing this post out in the arvo, I was led to Colossians 3:12-14:
12Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

The patience bit also applies to when I was talking to my Dad this arvo. (Actually it was then that I read the passage. Hrm.) I think the both of us wanted to warmit brarrd talking to each other. We'll always think our perception of things is the right one. I don't think my Dad saw where I was coming from. Anyways it's a simple issue of how we should fill the form up. Haha. It's very weird. Especially when filling in forms from overseas. Because of that, my certs and student IDs from Wellington Girls' often read Jiaxin Chan, or Jiaxin Cheryl Chan. Or something equally funny looking.

Also the reason how Amanda/Darren Joe and Kriselle Poi got their last names. Complicated Kiwis ...

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I just wiped out a bag of Meiji chocolates :x Should stop raiding the fridge unnecessarily.

Anyways. Whoopie it just occured to me that a lot of my mates are all attached! Which is nice to know. And also slightly worrying! I'm going to be so lonely when ALL my mates are attached!

Thing is, it's not so much about finding the right guy. But being the right girl. What you can give, and not what you hope to receive. Having said that, the most important criteria, if any would be that my ideal partner would have to love God very very very very very much. So much so that it spurs me on to love God more and more each day. Oh and you'd have to love my family too.

I kinda miss cooking for someone else, doing all the little nitty gritty things for the other half, just being there for that special someone. Watching his back and supporting him and the stuffs that he does. Yet it's not the person I'm missing, nor the r'ship we shared. Haha. Weird aye. I can say with utmost conviction that the break up was such a blessing to me. I think I miss sharing my life with someone else, and being able to share someone else's life, be part of another family. Kinda thing. Hrm.

Having said that, single is good! To a certain extent of course. The day when all my mates are happily married with kids and I'm starting to grow old and wrinkley- ALONE, I WILL indeed know that something must be seriously wrong with me. Err yeah.

But God is good! I'm getting excited already :p

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I spent an entire night burning my lavender aromatherapy thingum and finally as the tealight burns out, my room smells lovely and lavenderish :) THEN, I left the room door open as I went on to wash up. Unbeknownst to me, Dad was in the kitchen microwaving NOODLES. And as you'd have guessed, my entire room smells like noodles now.

Gonna be a long day of lectures tomorrow. Criminal and Common Law. It's great they've finally stuck the new blinds up. Being on the 12th floor, sun's been really uh, blinding, coz we sit facing the sky, really. Always have the urge to wear my sunnies in class but it's quite ridiculous.